I thought about going back to my 17-year-old self and learning about my mood disorder. Just put it this way: I was young, dumb, and stupid in those years. I didn’t grow up about my disorder until 2000 when I was in my early 30s. I took much abuse over the disorder until I finally got tired of it. His hands to my throat, I told him never to look for me because he wouldn’t find me and to take me to my mother’s. Today, that was one month short of 24 years ago. I never looked back.
Looking back on the past 24 years, I have come a long way. I started the time making sure my daughter was safe by giving my mother custody. She didn’t ask for child support because she could never find him. He would move from place to place, never staying in one place for too long, and wouldn’t keep a job for long. She let me be a mother even though I had no job at the time.
She would come to get me and take me to pick up my daughter from school, but we would all end up at her house for hours or days. I miss those days.
I told my mother recently that in my late 20s, I thought I loved him. He turned out abusive. I should have known, but as I said, I was young, dumb, stupid, and thought I knew everything about love. I forgot what mom had to go through with my dad, the abuse she took for years until their divorce. The only difference is that I’m still married to mine for personal reasons, even though we separated 24 years ago. Do I love him? No. I can’t stand him now. He’s nothing but a liar and an abuser. Can I say anything good about him? No. I want nothing to do with him now. Divorce? It’ll come sooner or later when I have the money.
My only regret to this day was keeping in contact with him for our daughter’s sake. I thought he would grow up through the years. Boy, was I wrong? She got in touch with him and, at the time, his new wife. Mind you, he and I were still married. She moved in with him, and all hell broke loose. They abused her and stole from her. She can’t get over the abuse to this day. She defaults to it. Mind you, he’s in jail as a sex offender. Did he? I don’t know, and it’s not my business. I didn’t put him there, but this woman he was married to did. She got an annulment from him and her husband at the time. Yes, she was married to another man while married to my husband. The crap that I have to deal with. There’s more to this story, but she’s another post later. Will I write a post about her? Maybe, maybe not. I probably will because it is a part of my life, a small part, but a part.
Now, back to 2001. 2001 got here, and I knew my daughter was safe. Now, it was time to get me straightened out. I did the research, and the only place that would take me, with no insurance at the time, was the LSU clinic. That was the first two years of hell trying to get the help I needed. I got in, but I was seeing a new psychiatrist every time I had an appointment. That was until they went to their new address. And now, it’s a new psych every year, just like it is now in a new city and state.
I don’t play games with my health anymore. I tell the psych how I feel and what’s going on with my meds. There’s been a time or two that I needed a change like I do now. I haven’t had a chance to see her because she was out sick. My counselor knows, though, and that’s a good thing.
I have nothing to do with much of my family except my mother and my cousin. That’s fine by me. I can’t be any happier. The people close to me are my Service Dogs, my mom, my boyfriend, my cousin, my mom’s dogs, and five close friends.
All I can say is, “Welcome to my World.” May you have a thrilling ride, and may you discover and understand more about what bipolar disorder does to the brain of the one creating the content. We have a journey ahead of us.
Leave a comment